How I Tried Out Mattresses and Discovered the Dangers of Low Rise Jeans

Our first mattress we bought out here was horrible. I was so sore, I’d wake up and walk around half bent over for the first part of the day and would have been crippled within months. So we decided to exchange, but this time we were going to get the PERFECT mattress. No more early morning old man walking! No more fallen asIeep legs from lack of circulation! No more charley horses! I made Barrett take pictures of me lying on the beds in a sleeping position so that I could see if my spine was straight. Originally, I asked him to check out my spine himself, but he kept saying, “Um, I think your spine looks straight, I don’t really know, yeah it looks good. Maybe. Except your spine does look a little bit like a ‘U’. Or a straight line. One of the two.” Which wasn’t helpful at all. So I had him take digital pics of me laying on each bed so I could see for myself. V. important to get the right mattress this time and avoid crippling.

Imagine my surprise when he handed over the camera and not only were there nearly pornographic pictures on it, they were the ones he’d just taken!!! First of all, I have to say that I checked to make sure that my shirt went to my jean line before we left the house — I swear on Tim Gunn that I checked. But apparently what worked standing up, did not work lying down on my side and I was practically flashing all of Ikea with the gap between shirt and low rise jean.

Thank god that mid-rise pants are back. I’ve got two pairs, but they’re still too new and shiny to wear running errands. I guess I’ll just avoid lying down in public in my old low-rises in the future and wait for my new shiny mid-rise pairs to get old and grungy.

I’m posting the pic here censored for decency for you to get the idea.


The new mattress, however, is GREAT! It was definitely worth the effort. And public nudity.


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  1. isn’t mattress shopping a joy? i spent hours trying out every mattress at every store within a 30 mile radius of my city. and i actually did the thing where you are supposed to lay on it for 15+ minutes. that got attention from the sales people because i’d be in the mattress section for an hour at each store! one sales lady asked me to be in a commercial. i don’t know if she was serious. i told her i’d need a free bed. i like that picture, that is really funny. especially the censored box.

  2. That is too funny, Terika! You could be a mattress spokeperson and start raking in the cash! I should have talked to you before I went the first time and got the crippling mattress. I only laid on that one for a few minutes and bought it partly because I thought it had a cool name. Not the way to go.

  3. LOL! That is too funny! You know, you’d think Barrett would have said something. Then again, he probably thought it was a great view! Glad you like the new mattress.

  4. Hahaha! 🙂 Tim Gunn would certainly raise an eyebrow!

    I do the crippled old man walk in the morning too, but I’m not getting a new mattress until we move. I can take it. Builds character. (or so I tell myself)

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